The day after April Fools

I can't believe it is already april (only ten months until i turn 18!)
It's almost scary to think about how life was so different before now. I was looking through my poetry book that i started quite a few years ago, and I was pretty much in awe over some of the things that came out of my mouth. Everything was so depressing and so sad. I can't even imagining writing that way, today. Before, I used to be able to remember what happened and who the poem was about just by reading it. I can still figure out the people, but i have literally erased a lot of these horrible events. I guess you could say that is a good thing?

Yesterday, I went to court. I got all dressed up and ready, and for the first time I wasn't nervous. I was so excited. With my awesome lawyer by my side, i just felt so confident and ready to adovocate for myself. In March i decided to write a letter to the judge. I really felt like I was no longer being heard (at the time) and decided to kind of address my side of the story, my life. But I wasn't sure i wanted to give it to anyone because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. However, once my therapist got taken away, I decided that I did really need to be heard, and that my letter may be the only way to illustrate it. So i talked to my lawyer, showed him the letter, and he agreed that it would be useful, and that he would use it as long as i was okay with everyone getting a copy (thats the rule). I said yes, and the judge having my letter to read ended up really helping my case. Although i was not permitted to go into the court room, my lawyer kicked butt and got me reinstated with my therapist. And i can honestly say, I haven't been this happy in the longest time. Even though I was waiting in a conference room right outside the court room, I have never been so proud of myself in my life. I finally got one thing i fought for. I adovocated for myself and it worked out in the end. And people finally saw MY side of the story. They got to understand MY feelings, even the teeniest bit better. I hope that I continue to grow just as i already have... (and it's all thanks to Lisa! and Mr. Lewonka of course!)

There have been a lot of ups and downs and U-turns. Lots of bad times, and some good, but I'm glad that I am truly growing as a person and understanding myself. I finally have confidence in myself and am excited to continue to progress. I am so lucky to have such wonderful support systems at school, and at home now. There's so much to look forward to... and I can't wait. :)

still nothing to write about...

here's a survery de ipod. i know dame-o did this before but what you do is put ur ipod on shuffle and they are the answer to each question..

also... if anyone ever decides to go cross-country skiing, BEWARE of the future groin pain. two days later and it's stilllll hurrting. and also don't try going on an intermediate course for your first time. ahhaha. that's all im gonna say..

1) How does the world see me?

Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz *slightly comical..


2) Will I have a happy life?

Play- Kate Nash *maybe i'll get my childhood back?


3) What do my friends think of me?

Coconut Skins- Damien Rice *that was one time!


4) Do people secretly lust after me?

#41- Dave Matthews Band *ummm I'm nervous.. is that a robot?


5) How can I make myself happy?

Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol *hahaha, dog much?


6) What should I do with my life?

Love For A Child- Jason Mraz *awww


7) Will I ever have children?

You Were Meant For Me- Jewel *not sure that answers the question, unless chillin are meant for me?


8) What is some good advice for me?

Don't Panic- Coldplay *hmmm..


9) How will I be remembered?

A Cold Wind Blows Through You...- Bill Ricchini


10) What’s my signature dancing song?

That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings *fabulous..


11) What's my current theme song?

Crush -Dave Matthews Band *ehhh..


12) What do others think is my current theme song?

Truly Madly Deeply- Cascada *hmm i could analyze this... everything thinks things are fine, but really people have no idea? okay enuf of that lol...


13) What shall they play at my funeral?

Teardrops On My Guitar- Taylor Swift *lol that would be interesting..


14) What type of men do I like?

Only Human- Jason Mraz *haha glad i got over my love for boy frogs..


15) How's my love life?

Say It Ain't So- Weezer *ahahhahaha!





can i have a redo?







feel free to do the survey on my comments and let me know what u get!

Hi, My name is...

well since my life continues to consist of utter boredom, and i have unbelievably finished my homework as of 4:32 p.m. ON a school day, And have already painted my nails (toes included) twice this week, I have come down to the grits with exciting things to keep me occupied. soooooooooo, as a last resort, I've decided to make this blog a random bunch of factoids about me...
Note: be prepared people, some of these things may shock or scare you.


-I am a twin to a boy named Kev. He MAY or MAY not have had a booger collection on his [my old room] wall. Todd MAY or MAY not have scraped it off with a wall scraper.

-Last year i was at a party for my cousin and i fell down all of their stairs in front of the whole family (even though i had my hand on the railing).

-When I was living at home, I had OCD and could not ever turn on the middle light in the bathroom. I'm still not sure why...

-I used to be a complete BRAT when i was a little kid. There's proof from when my friends and I made a PowerPuff Girls video (i was Bubbles), and well i could be comparable to Hitler...

-When I was little I was not allowed to have pets so I would capture the big hairy catepillars and put them in a shoebox under the steps in the backyard. Most would be dead by the next day.

-When we first moved in with my stepdad i was terrified of him and my mom was going to go shopping at Ames. She wouldn't let me go and my brothers refused to let me play hide-and-seek soooo i proceeded to flatten myself into the floor of the backseat with a blanket over me. Let's just say no one found me til my mom headed BACK to the car after getting a phone call i was "missing".

-I still own a Skip-It

-Whenever we went trick-or-treating for Halloween, i would sneak into my brothers' room when they weren't there and take their "good" stuff.

-One time in Kindergarten someone left a huge smelly nasty in the bathroom toilet, and so that day i had to go to the nurse and change.

-I NEVER lost a tooth during school and got one of those cool treasure chests to hold it :(

-One time i lost my tooth in a ham grinder from Steve's Place. And i never got any money from the tooth fairy (that applies to all the teeth i've lost).

-More teeth stories: I've had 12 1/2 teeth pulled out. the 1/2 was from what wasn't stuck in my blowpop.

-In elementry school this girl fell of the monkeybars and broke her arm. Since i wanted a cast THAT badly, i proceeded to "fall" off the monkeybars for the next week.

-I used to have to leave pre-school early because i got stiff necks.

-In preschool these two boys fought over me. One boy brought me presents everyday but wasn't as cute as the other boy who kept giving me hugs. But then one day the "present-giving" boy gave me a ring. Guess who i decided was my "boy friend"

-I was the biggest pokemon card collector ever. At one point i did really have every single card. One day i left my book on the table at Mill Pond. However, this boy in my class actually found them. But.... he moved away the next month and claimed to sell my entire collection for $20. i never saw that twenty...

-We decided to dump the pool water from my next door neighbor's pool onto the ground. Everyone went mudsliding and had a huge mud fight. I decided (as the parent) to stand on the side and tell everyone how it wasn't a good idea. They dared me to go once. As my belly hit the ground, her dad stuck his head out the window.



haha i think that's enough...

interesting..

dedicated to Ai-jammmmmmmm Bui :)
wanna play a game?

you can't cheat though. You MUST not skip ahead and be a cheater cheater pumpkin eater!!!!



1. pick a number from 1 to 10. Don't tell me!


2. Do me a favor... mutliply the number by 9?


3. okay... NOW add up the digits of that number (if there are two)


4. You ready? Now subtract 5 from that number. Don't forget!


5. This one is tricky.. Find the letter of the alphabet that corresponds with your numer (a=1, b=2, c=3, etc)


6. Pick a country whose's name starts with that letter. (this one is kinda hard..)


7. Now take the last letter of the country and think of an animal that starts with it.


8. Now take the last letter of that animal and think of a fruit that starts with it.



okay you got that?
Don't scroll down until you got it.

really, don't.



you better not be cheating...










okay. i guess you're ready.



Did you get kangaroos eating oranges in Denmark?


if so, hahaha i can read your mind!!!!! and if not, well you just suck. :)

The Scoop

Since i really have nobody to talk to, I'm going to tell you, blog. I know you'll listen to me and we won't fight and you won't yell at me or anything. And well, you're the only "person" that i can talk to right now. So, my problems are going to be posted all over the internet. I really don't care anymore.
First off, I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you don't know what it means, it's kinda like when a guy goes into the army and returns home from war. He's a little crazy. He's seen heads blown up and just awful awful stuff. Little things in everyday life trigger his experiences with war... and well they give him the greatest amount of anxiety ever. That's me. Except- i didn't enlist into the army. I didn't volunteer for my disorder. I got it because of living in my house with my mother. I'm not there anymore. And what i learned was that She was the trigger that basically made me fall apart. But now because I'm not there i notice EVERY SINGLE MINISCULE fricken thing in my life that triggers me. I'm not talking about a couple things a day. I'm talking about 20..maybe 30 little things throughout the day that set me off. And well, it's pretty much the most awful feeling in the world.
I get triggered by the weirdest things. Yelling and even a loud tone in general, swears, certain specific words (like mother, yelling, police), knowing someone is mad at me, plans being canceled.. etc etc.
I wish there was a solution to my problems. I wish life would get better. It's supposed to be. But it's taken so long already.

I'm sorry i have this fucked up mind. I'm sorry I can't help my feelings and my stupid problem. I'm sorry I can't make everyone happy.
:(

Thank you for listening, blog.
With love,
Katie

holy anger issues

Lately i find myself getting more and more angry-- at the stupidest things and for the dumbest reasons. I didn't get to sleep til after two this morning, so i guess that started things on a bad note. I didn't get to finish my English exam which was another bust. Especially, because Winks was going to give me extra time to finish but i had to catch the bus. Oh well, things never go the way you want them too anyways. OR should i say things never go the way I want them too. I guess I'm just not very well adjusted to my new environment- at all. I'm not used to running to the bus the second the bell rings for the end of the day. I'm not used to sharing a bathroom in the morning, or having family dinners. I'm not used to supposedly having plans and them not happening (because it really makes my mind think that it's all my fault). I'm not used to coming "home" and not having to do anything. So much was expected of me before. It's entirely strange to see how different families act with one another. I'm not used to the "kid" yelling back at the parent. That's for sure. It seems like I've been brainwashed. I've been brought up taught to respect your mother, and not daring to talk back for fear of drastic punishment... I'm not used to not having anyone to talk to. I'm not used to wanting to talk to someone and they just don't hear you. Is it awful that i feel like sleep is sometimes more important than me? That's just how my mind works i guess. It really sucks because I get so effing angry that I don't even want to tell you when you ask. I just get annoyed for basically no reason. It's just when I call someone's name over and over, I just kinda expect them to answer. I'm trying to fit in. I did the dishes, trash, laundry, cleaned my room, washed down the counters, fed the cat, etc... but it seems like it's still not enuf. That's why I'm typing this blog-- because i feel the need to be doing something. I don't fit in. No matter how much I want to. I'm too different. When I try to do what I feel is right, it ends up making the other person mad or having a stupid discussion of how the person doesn't do enough.
I'm sick of all the swearing and pissed off tones. The anxiety it gives me is outrageous. I'm dealing with so much trauma, and it's making everything so much worse. I get so effing hurt EVEN THOUGH it has nothing to do with me. Pathetic, right?
I think so too.

Basically, I'm sorry. I'll never be good enough. I'm an oddball and I just don't fit in.

lousy hypocrites!

know what pisses me off? UGGSSSS. holy crap they are sooo annoying. first of all, they aren't attractive. Take a look in the mirror cuz ur feet are comparable to those of a large african bear. (why i say african, idk. i think it makes the bear seem bigger) don't you people get it? You spend an outrageous amount of money on something that's not even good looking, and meanwhile people are starving and freezing to death. that's REAL attractive. They are like theee most basic shoes ever. black, brown, cream- with fur. "Oh hi my name is Katie and i wear big ugly cream UGGs that make my 7-sized feet look like size 12." That's what you should say everytime you run into a stranger. Except, use your own name. By the way, all you fricken vegetarians that decide to invest in these "comfy, fashionable" shoes, go eat a hamburger. Do you not realize that's a fricken LAMB keeping your feet warm?!?! You might say "It's just the fur. They don't get hurt..". think again. They skin those poor baby sheeps to the skin. Those sheeps bleed and are in pain, and COLD when you could have fricken put on some socks and a NORMAL shoe. RUDE. OH and you want to know something else? The shoe is made from the LAMB SKIN. Like dead sheep. They skin the sheep after they kill them. Don't tell me how you're saving the environment and how we shouldn't eat animals for protein (which actually helpsour bodies gain muscle and tissue AND energy) when you're allowing people to slaughter sheep for your effing feet! You're rediculous. that's all i have to say.