Lately i find myself getting more and more angry-- at the stupidest things and for the dumbest reasons. I didn't get to sleep til after two this morning, so i guess that started things on a bad note. I didn't get to finish my English exam which was another bust. Especially, because Winks was going to give me extra time to finish but i had to catch the bus. Oh well, things never go the way you want them too anyways. OR should i say things never go the way I want them too. I guess I'm just not very well adjusted to my new environment- at all. I'm not used to running to the bus the second the bell rings for the end of the day. I'm not used to sharing a bathroom in the morning, or having family dinners. I'm not used to supposedly having plans and them not happening (because it really makes my mind think that it's all my fault). I'm not used to coming "home" and not having to do anything. So much was expected of me before. It's entirely strange to see how different families act with one another. I'm not used to the "kid" yelling back at the parent. That's for sure. It seems like I've been brainwashed. I've been brought up taught to respect your mother, and not daring to talk back for fear of drastic punishment... I'm not used to not having anyone to talk to. I'm not used to wanting to talk to someone and they just don't hear you. Is it awful that i feel like sleep is sometimes more important than me? That's just how my mind works i guess. It really sucks because I get so effing angry that I don't even want to tell you when you ask. I just get annoyed for basically no reason. It's just when I call someone's name over and over, I just kinda expect them to answer. I'm trying to fit in. I did the dishes, trash, laundry, cleaned my room, washed down the counters, fed the cat, etc... but it seems like it's still not enuf. That's why I'm typing this blog-- because i feel the need to be doing something. I don't fit in. No matter how much I want to. I'm too different. When I try to do what I feel is right, it ends up making the other person mad or having a stupid discussion of how the person doesn't do enough.
I'm sick of all the swearing and pissed off tones. The anxiety it gives me is outrageous. I'm dealing with so much trauma, and it's making everything so much worse. I get so effing hurt EVEN THOUGH it has nothing to do with me. Pathetic, right?
I think so too.
Basically, I'm sorry. I'll never be good enough. I'm an oddball and I just don't fit in.
The New PostSecret Book
11 years ago
2 comments:
okay. i truly believe that you just have a lot of built up anger that you're finally allowed to let out. and this change is really needed. when you start thinking about it and questioning it you have to stop for a minute and think "how much better off am i!" i'm just saying, this is the first step to the huge change in your life that you deserve. keep that in mind, okay? you've got tons of fans that are going to have your back no matter what, so for them, and more importantly yourself, adapt to this change and live your life the way it was meant to be lived. you fit in now more than ever. youre good enough, i swear. this is where you belong. got it, dude? ;)
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