Since i really have nobody to talk to, I'm going to tell you, blog. I know you'll listen to me and we won't fight and you won't yell at me or anything. And well, you're the only "person" that i can talk to right now. So, my problems are going to be posted all over the internet. I really don't care anymore.
First off, I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you don't know what it means, it's kinda like when a guy goes into the army and returns home from war. He's a little crazy. He's seen heads blown up and just awful awful stuff. Little things in everyday life trigger his experiences with war... and well they give him the greatest amount of anxiety ever. That's me. Except- i didn't enlist into the army. I didn't volunteer for my disorder. I got it because of living in my house with my mother. I'm not there anymore. And what i learned was that She was the trigger that basically made me fall apart. But now because I'm not there i notice EVERY SINGLE MINISCULE fricken thing in my life that triggers me. I'm not talking about a couple things a day. I'm talking about 20..maybe 30 little things throughout the day that set me off. And well, it's pretty much the most awful feeling in the world.
I get triggered by the weirdest things. Yelling and even a loud tone in general, swears, certain specific words (like mother, yelling, police), knowing someone is mad at me, plans being canceled.. etc etc.
I wish there was a solution to my problems. I wish life would get better. It's supposed to be. But it's taken so long already.
I'm sorry i have this fucked up mind. I'm sorry I can't help my feelings and my stupid problem. I'm sorry I can't make everyone happy.
:(
Thank you for listening, blog.
With love,
Katie
The New PostSecret Book
11 years ago
1 comment:
hello there...
don't apologize. none of this is your fault. its not your fault you were treated the way you were. you're the last person in the world who deserves that. pls stop apologizing. i know your life has made a sudden change -- a HUGE change and its going to take some getting used to. i could have diagnosed you with PTSD, i truly knew it was gonna happen. But you have to realize that youre so much better off now. I know certain things tip you off, but i wholeheartedly believe that will go away with time. once you become more and more comfortable with your situation and your surroundings i'm confident that these feelings will cease. i know how grateful you are as a person and that it might seem overwhelming now, you truly appreciate where you are.
On the other hand, I feel like some of the issues that prompt you to get stressed/anxious/sad/mad/what have you, need to be addressed with the ppl youre living with. They most likely dont realize that yelling hurts you and brings back painful memories. I know the ppl youre living with and i know that they have the best intentions. I can almost promise that they will make a conscience effort to help out.
I also think that at the same time, once all the legal stuff is settled and everything's set in stone, it'll be a huge weight off of your shoulders.
So with that, hang in there. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You got it, dude?? You've got everyone behind you that cares SO much about you. Remember that, k?
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