The day after April Fools

I can't believe it is already april (only ten months until i turn 18!)
It's almost scary to think about how life was so different before now. I was looking through my poetry book that i started quite a few years ago, and I was pretty much in awe over some of the things that came out of my mouth. Everything was so depressing and so sad. I can't even imagining writing that way, today. Before, I used to be able to remember what happened and who the poem was about just by reading it. I can still figure out the people, but i have literally erased a lot of these horrible events. I guess you could say that is a good thing?

Yesterday, I went to court. I got all dressed up and ready, and for the first time I wasn't nervous. I was so excited. With my awesome lawyer by my side, i just felt so confident and ready to adovocate for myself. In March i decided to write a letter to the judge. I really felt like I was no longer being heard (at the time) and decided to kind of address my side of the story, my life. But I wasn't sure i wanted to give it to anyone because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. However, once my therapist got taken away, I decided that I did really need to be heard, and that my letter may be the only way to illustrate it. So i talked to my lawyer, showed him the letter, and he agreed that it would be useful, and that he would use it as long as i was okay with everyone getting a copy (thats the rule). I said yes, and the judge having my letter to read ended up really helping my case. Although i was not permitted to go into the court room, my lawyer kicked butt and got me reinstated with my therapist. And i can honestly say, I haven't been this happy in the longest time. Even though I was waiting in a conference room right outside the court room, I have never been so proud of myself in my life. I finally got one thing i fought for. I adovocated for myself and it worked out in the end. And people finally saw MY side of the story. They got to understand MY feelings, even the teeniest bit better. I hope that I continue to grow just as i already have... (and it's all thanks to Lisa! and Mr. Lewonka of course!)

There have been a lot of ups and downs and U-turns. Lots of bad times, and some good, but I'm glad that I am truly growing as a person and understanding myself. I finally have confidence in myself and am excited to continue to progress. I am so lucky to have such wonderful support systems at school, and at home now. There's so much to look forward to... and I can't wait. :)

still nothing to write about...

here's a survery de ipod. i know dame-o did this before but what you do is put ur ipod on shuffle and they are the answer to each question..

also... if anyone ever decides to go cross-country skiing, BEWARE of the future groin pain. two days later and it's stilllll hurrting. and also don't try going on an intermediate course for your first time. ahhaha. that's all im gonna say..

1) How does the world see me?

Geek in the Pink- Jason Mraz *slightly comical..


2) Will I have a happy life?

Play- Kate Nash *maybe i'll get my childhood back?


3) What do my friends think of me?

Coconut Skins- Damien Rice *that was one time!


4) Do people secretly lust after me?

#41- Dave Matthews Band *ummm I'm nervous.. is that a robot?


5) How can I make myself happy?

Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol *hahaha, dog much?


6) What should I do with my life?

Love For A Child- Jason Mraz *awww


7) Will I ever have children?

You Were Meant For Me- Jewel *not sure that answers the question, unless chillin are meant for me?


8) What is some good advice for me?

Don't Panic- Coldplay *hmmm..


9) How will I be remembered?

A Cold Wind Blows Through You...- Bill Ricchini


10) What’s my signature dancing song?

That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings *fabulous..


11) What's my current theme song?

Crush -Dave Matthews Band *ehhh..


12) What do others think is my current theme song?

Truly Madly Deeply- Cascada *hmm i could analyze this... everything thinks things are fine, but really people have no idea? okay enuf of that lol...


13) What shall they play at my funeral?

Teardrops On My Guitar- Taylor Swift *lol that would be interesting..


14) What type of men do I like?

Only Human- Jason Mraz *haha glad i got over my love for boy frogs..


15) How's my love life?

Say It Ain't So- Weezer *ahahhahaha!





can i have a redo?







feel free to do the survey on my comments and let me know what u get!

Hi, My name is...

well since my life continues to consist of utter boredom, and i have unbelievably finished my homework as of 4:32 p.m. ON a school day, And have already painted my nails (toes included) twice this week, I have come down to the grits with exciting things to keep me occupied. soooooooooo, as a last resort, I've decided to make this blog a random bunch of factoids about me...
Note: be prepared people, some of these things may shock or scare you.


-I am a twin to a boy named Kev. He MAY or MAY not have had a booger collection on his [my old room] wall. Todd MAY or MAY not have scraped it off with a wall scraper.

-Last year i was at a party for my cousin and i fell down all of their stairs in front of the whole family (even though i had my hand on the railing).

-When I was living at home, I had OCD and could not ever turn on the middle light in the bathroom. I'm still not sure why...

-I used to be a complete BRAT when i was a little kid. There's proof from when my friends and I made a PowerPuff Girls video (i was Bubbles), and well i could be comparable to Hitler...

-When I was little I was not allowed to have pets so I would capture the big hairy catepillars and put them in a shoebox under the steps in the backyard. Most would be dead by the next day.

-When we first moved in with my stepdad i was terrified of him and my mom was going to go shopping at Ames. She wouldn't let me go and my brothers refused to let me play hide-and-seek soooo i proceeded to flatten myself into the floor of the backseat with a blanket over me. Let's just say no one found me til my mom headed BACK to the car after getting a phone call i was "missing".

-I still own a Skip-It

-Whenever we went trick-or-treating for Halloween, i would sneak into my brothers' room when they weren't there and take their "good" stuff.

-One time in Kindergarten someone left a huge smelly nasty in the bathroom toilet, and so that day i had to go to the nurse and change.

-I NEVER lost a tooth during school and got one of those cool treasure chests to hold it :(

-One time i lost my tooth in a ham grinder from Steve's Place. And i never got any money from the tooth fairy (that applies to all the teeth i've lost).

-More teeth stories: I've had 12 1/2 teeth pulled out. the 1/2 was from what wasn't stuck in my blowpop.

-In elementry school this girl fell of the monkeybars and broke her arm. Since i wanted a cast THAT badly, i proceeded to "fall" off the monkeybars for the next week.

-I used to have to leave pre-school early because i got stiff necks.

-In preschool these two boys fought over me. One boy brought me presents everyday but wasn't as cute as the other boy who kept giving me hugs. But then one day the "present-giving" boy gave me a ring. Guess who i decided was my "boy friend"

-I was the biggest pokemon card collector ever. At one point i did really have every single card. One day i left my book on the table at Mill Pond. However, this boy in my class actually found them. But.... he moved away the next month and claimed to sell my entire collection for $20. i never saw that twenty...

-We decided to dump the pool water from my next door neighbor's pool onto the ground. Everyone went mudsliding and had a huge mud fight. I decided (as the parent) to stand on the side and tell everyone how it wasn't a good idea. They dared me to go once. As my belly hit the ground, her dad stuck his head out the window.



haha i think that's enough...

interesting..

dedicated to Ai-jammmmmmmm Bui :)
wanna play a game?

you can't cheat though. You MUST not skip ahead and be a cheater cheater pumpkin eater!!!!



1. pick a number from 1 to 10. Don't tell me!


2. Do me a favor... mutliply the number by 9?


3. okay... NOW add up the digits of that number (if there are two)


4. You ready? Now subtract 5 from that number. Don't forget!


5. This one is tricky.. Find the letter of the alphabet that corresponds with your numer (a=1, b=2, c=3, etc)


6. Pick a country whose's name starts with that letter. (this one is kinda hard..)


7. Now take the last letter of the country and think of an animal that starts with it.


8. Now take the last letter of that animal and think of a fruit that starts with it.



okay you got that?
Don't scroll down until you got it.

really, don't.



you better not be cheating...










okay. i guess you're ready.



Did you get kangaroos eating oranges in Denmark?


if so, hahaha i can read your mind!!!!! and if not, well you just suck. :)

The Scoop

Since i really have nobody to talk to, I'm going to tell you, blog. I know you'll listen to me and we won't fight and you won't yell at me or anything. And well, you're the only "person" that i can talk to right now. So, my problems are going to be posted all over the internet. I really don't care anymore.
First off, I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you don't know what it means, it's kinda like when a guy goes into the army and returns home from war. He's a little crazy. He's seen heads blown up and just awful awful stuff. Little things in everyday life trigger his experiences with war... and well they give him the greatest amount of anxiety ever. That's me. Except- i didn't enlist into the army. I didn't volunteer for my disorder. I got it because of living in my house with my mother. I'm not there anymore. And what i learned was that She was the trigger that basically made me fall apart. But now because I'm not there i notice EVERY SINGLE MINISCULE fricken thing in my life that triggers me. I'm not talking about a couple things a day. I'm talking about 20..maybe 30 little things throughout the day that set me off. And well, it's pretty much the most awful feeling in the world.
I get triggered by the weirdest things. Yelling and even a loud tone in general, swears, certain specific words (like mother, yelling, police), knowing someone is mad at me, plans being canceled.. etc etc.
I wish there was a solution to my problems. I wish life would get better. It's supposed to be. But it's taken so long already.

I'm sorry i have this fucked up mind. I'm sorry I can't help my feelings and my stupid problem. I'm sorry I can't make everyone happy.
:(

Thank you for listening, blog.
With love,
Katie

holy anger issues

Lately i find myself getting more and more angry-- at the stupidest things and for the dumbest reasons. I didn't get to sleep til after two this morning, so i guess that started things on a bad note. I didn't get to finish my English exam which was another bust. Especially, because Winks was going to give me extra time to finish but i had to catch the bus. Oh well, things never go the way you want them too anyways. OR should i say things never go the way I want them too. I guess I'm just not very well adjusted to my new environment- at all. I'm not used to running to the bus the second the bell rings for the end of the day. I'm not used to sharing a bathroom in the morning, or having family dinners. I'm not used to supposedly having plans and them not happening (because it really makes my mind think that it's all my fault). I'm not used to coming "home" and not having to do anything. So much was expected of me before. It's entirely strange to see how different families act with one another. I'm not used to the "kid" yelling back at the parent. That's for sure. It seems like I've been brainwashed. I've been brought up taught to respect your mother, and not daring to talk back for fear of drastic punishment... I'm not used to not having anyone to talk to. I'm not used to wanting to talk to someone and they just don't hear you. Is it awful that i feel like sleep is sometimes more important than me? That's just how my mind works i guess. It really sucks because I get so effing angry that I don't even want to tell you when you ask. I just get annoyed for basically no reason. It's just when I call someone's name over and over, I just kinda expect them to answer. I'm trying to fit in. I did the dishes, trash, laundry, cleaned my room, washed down the counters, fed the cat, etc... but it seems like it's still not enuf. That's why I'm typing this blog-- because i feel the need to be doing something. I don't fit in. No matter how much I want to. I'm too different. When I try to do what I feel is right, it ends up making the other person mad or having a stupid discussion of how the person doesn't do enough.
I'm sick of all the swearing and pissed off tones. The anxiety it gives me is outrageous. I'm dealing with so much trauma, and it's making everything so much worse. I get so effing hurt EVEN THOUGH it has nothing to do with me. Pathetic, right?
I think so too.

Basically, I'm sorry. I'll never be good enough. I'm an oddball and I just don't fit in.

lousy hypocrites!

know what pisses me off? UGGSSSS. holy crap they are sooo annoying. first of all, they aren't attractive. Take a look in the mirror cuz ur feet are comparable to those of a large african bear. (why i say african, idk. i think it makes the bear seem bigger) don't you people get it? You spend an outrageous amount of money on something that's not even good looking, and meanwhile people are starving and freezing to death. that's REAL attractive. They are like theee most basic shoes ever. black, brown, cream- with fur. "Oh hi my name is Katie and i wear big ugly cream UGGs that make my 7-sized feet look like size 12." That's what you should say everytime you run into a stranger. Except, use your own name. By the way, all you fricken vegetarians that decide to invest in these "comfy, fashionable" shoes, go eat a hamburger. Do you not realize that's a fricken LAMB keeping your feet warm?!?! You might say "It's just the fur. They don't get hurt..". think again. They skin those poor baby sheeps to the skin. Those sheeps bleed and are in pain, and COLD when you could have fricken put on some socks and a NORMAL shoe. RUDE. OH and you want to know something else? The shoe is made from the LAMB SKIN. Like dead sheep. They skin the sheep after they kill them. Don't tell me how you're saving the environment and how we shouldn't eat animals for protein (which actually helpsour bodies gain muscle and tissue AND energy) when you're allowing people to slaughter sheep for your effing feet! You're rediculous. that's all i have to say.

outraged

did you ever notice how many little things you depend on everyday? i didn't until i lost it all. im talking about basic necessities people. what it's like to get out of the shower and not have a Q-tip. Or looking in the mirror and seeing your dry, cracking face because you don't have your moisturizer. Realizing you don't have a razor? or deodorant? Hair clips? Foundation? Batteries? CLOTHES. I've slowly gained the necessities like deodorant (thank God!) and the Q-tips which OCD people like me need everytime we step out of the shower.

Today, my caretaker gladly brought me to the pharmacy where i had a $50 giftcard.. yeah not anymore. I walked into CVS and first decided i needed a carriage, NOT a basket. why? I'm not really sure. (i guess for some reason i thought $50 would buy me the store)...
So I immediately went to the first isle to get lotion and foundation because they are current necessities for a girl like me. Of COURSE there would be a guy cleaning out the whole fricken shelf, and me standing there not knowing which damn lotion would leave me face smooth like a baby's bottom. This was our conversation:
clerk: "hi, are you looking for something?"
me: "no. well yes. ummm..."
clerk: "-you're just browsing"
me: "yeah. im all set"
lady (who appears out of nowhere): "tell him what you want Joanne"
Joanne (im guessing,-btw these are old people so you can immitate their voices): "where's the Gold Bond Foot Cream. My feet are dry and cracked. You sell that stuff here?"
clerk (with forced polite tone): "yes ma'am, there's some right here"
Joanne's friend (in loud enough tone we all can here): tell him you need the pump one."
Joanne: "I do. I have very dry skin."

I went back at the end of my trip to find lotion.


Basically, I bought maybe 8 items ranging from batteries to razors, and my total was $57. Obama better do something about the economy. I'm not paying $8 on a regular basis for femine supplies.



Also, I had my history exam today and we had to write dos essays...and well i may or may not have slipped in the word "fantastical" once or twice.

Also Also, what kind of cat name is GUS? it means testicles. in case YOU didn't know.
I mean sure it's what most gas station attendants seem to have plastered to their name tag, but a cat? "Come here testicles, time to eat!"

Also Also Also, i just would like to put it out there that i hate when people don't answer my questions. It's very obnoxious and I take it very personally.

a new life... basically

okay so my life is very different now, and without going into details, i really have one thing to say:

THANK YOU

thank you for taking me into your arms, and well... your house.
thank you for being an amazing friend and well now... "fake" sister.
thank you for sleeping in my "room" for the first couple nights because you KNEW I was nervous.
thank you for putting up with my anxiety and OCD... I'm aware that everyone doesn't iron their pants.
thank you for having obsessions with donuts.
thank you for allowing me to eat mounds of salad, where i have now developed the nickname "rabbit".
thank you for letting me borrow your clothes and whatever necessities i lack.
thank you for telling me about your cat's ass. enuf said.
thank you for shouting at me, and then apologizing.
thank you for letting me be myself.
thank you for saving me.

you are such an amazing and wonderful person. please don't ever think different of yourself. As Mr. Alaimo said "it's very nice of you to do this".
he's right.

I'm so lucky to have this oportunity to be myself, be happy, and most importantly be safe. I'm so lucky to have friends that care about me. I'm so lucky that the government has great programs to help kids in need. I'm so lucky to have support all the time now. I'm so lucky to be me.

Red pen

the mistakes people make. Imagine if our lives were documents. Imagine they were essays your teacher got to grade. Imagine all the red marks. If your friend was grading the paper would there be less marks? Perhaps they would even use a more inviting color such as pink? Maybe yellow? My paper would have a lot of red marks. Lots of mistakes, no matter who had the honor of grading it. I find myself making mistakes constantly and even realizing when I am about to make one. And I have to ponder... Do I seek to cause red marks? Maybe its for attention? If people see me flawed they will pity me. But that can't be it. Maybe its because if people see the red marks they can actually finally SEE something. If u live and act normally afterall, who would even know there were things wrong? Most people won't. And thats what really sucks. If the grader was angry, maybe she would purposely paint the paper just to release the fumes within her. People do that in real life. We constantly see others fueding their anger on innocent victims. And all we do is watch. We also see ourselves take out our anger on ourselves. Constantly making our own red marks. The ink that pours from our own veins! We only can hope that we will grow and realize that red ink stains and wiill never fix the situation. But what if we dont learn? What if we can't grow? And what if we can't stop marking up ourselves.

I guess that's life. We'll never know.

mute

sometimes I really wish life was like a tv (with DVR of course!) so I could rewind to all the fun times i had. Watching a friend trip on the stairs over and over. Watching the hilarious faces of people who thought eating raw potatoes ( dirt included) was a good idea. Or even just hanging out with some friends making reg salad, fruit salad, and especially cake. Ice cream cake is the fave (sometimes enjoyed without silverware) :D there have been some crazy moments that would be just so incredibly nice to visualize again. Memories give only so much detail.
You know what button would also be nice? PAUSE. I wish I could freeze moments, good or bad, and even have the possibility of changing the scene ever so slightly. Like if my friend fell i could put a pillow underneath. Or if some bitch laughed at my friend I could pause and then run to the zoo and get a lion and well you know. I could also put ants in her pants...lol I have interesting ideas sometimes :)
FASTFORWARD. ERASE. Those would be extremely helpful. I wish i could fastforward out of my childhood. Or maybe just ERASE the crappyness I've had to deal with for the past months from my mind entirely. I could always erase the memory and then if I didnt like not knowing I could just rewind to fix me pressing erase, and then fastforward to the time u came back from. Get what I'm saying? Me neither. Basically I think I'm meaning to tell you that I wish people didnt have to go through some of the things they do and that there could be a way to fix it. Like just by the snap of my fingers. But there's not. Unfortunately. And ur absolutely sucks. Cant I just have a MUTE button? I'm really trying to be strong, but when the difficulty keeps getting higher, life seems unbearable. I haven't given up hope or lost faith, I'm just a little sad I guess. I wasn't expecting any of this to happen. I was planning on waiting until I turned 18 and just escaping. Then everyone wouldn't be going through shit right now especially me. But nothing ever seems to go the way you plan...

P.S. One of the old people from the nursing home was talking with another old lady at school this morning. He meant to say "you hit it right on the button" except it came out as "you hit it right on the boo-ton". Did I mention HE started laughing? Haha old people are so funny. Another time I caught the same guy clapping and dancing as one the ladies sang This Little Light of Mine. They harmonized!
Okay thats it.


Take care. Love, Katie

421 days.... I think :)

so its 2009 and I graduate in 2010! It sounds so weird.... Only one more year. But most importantly there is like about 421 days until I turn 18!!!!!!! I can't wait. This is by far been the hardest year of my life and I have no doubt this year will also be very challenging, but I'm really trying. And I'm going into this year strong, excited, and ready. I have a new perspective on life and I am constantly learning everyday. Sometimes every second lol. So I guess I kinda never really ever made a new years resolution thingy and its weird cuz its the first time nobody even asked me what mine was, and i actually have one. I am going to be happier. Well I'm going to try. Going thru all this shit has made me question life and my purpose, but I have definitely found where I belong. I found out more about myself and I an even learning how to be assertive! I do realize people have it worse but I can say my issues are pretty up there. But I learned that people do care about me and that I really an a good person. And I realized that there is so much of life leftover beyond the stupid current restrictions. I know that I am loved and that I was put thru all of this because it is Gods plan ( sorry for stealing this line) but its true. I love knowing that I'm safe now and that my possibilities are endless :) when life hits us hard we just need to keep being strong and keep our heads up. Mush09 is over so watch out 2010, here I come!