i really just wanted to say Merry Christmas.
:)

please

i'm really not allowed on the computer at this point, but i just wanted to let people know that i still care about this site and that it will always be my home and venting place.

im scared of the future. im scared of the next few hours. im scared of the sirens i hear even though they arent for me. im scared of the sirens that i constantly imagine. im scared that i will lose myself and my identity. im scared that i wont be free.
but im not scared of losing the friends that have been with me here. i know in my heart that i will always have them and that they will always have me.

please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. im struggling to feel that love and sense of meaning right now. please pray for me. pray that everything will be okay. pray that i can make it.
i really want to.


please take care. God bless you.

Happy Anti-Thanksgiving Holiday!!!

I hate Thanksgiving. I hate that I'm forced to waste a day with people who don't get a long and try to stuff food down your throat. Cousins who have a mission to beat the crap out of you or make you cry... whichever comes first. I hate the racism that exists within my family. I hate how there is so much extra laundry to be done. I hate getting up early to make sure i look "presentable". I hate how I will never hear the end of how my Grandma thinks my hair is so ugly (she wants me to have short blonde hair with bangs.. anything else is ugly).I hate how I can't see my friends. I don't even like turkey. Give me some HAM!!!!
And most of all I just hate the Day itself. Then again, I hate every holiday.
It's not that i don't like the reasons for having the holidays, i hate how everyone else takes the holidays too literally. I bet if you ask any little kid to say one thing about christmas they will say presents. Oh better yet skip the actual word "presents" and acutally start listing what they believe they are getting. My birthday is another one.... The only thing that's good about my birthday is that it means im almost another year to 18 which will be the amazing turning point in my life. I have always hated the parties. Especially last years.
But wait a second. I hate Thanksgiving. (i even made a facebook group about it). I hate holidays. GEESH what kind of debbie downer am i. A BIG ONE (if you havent figured that out yet). I actually hate most days. I'm a big "HATER" and that's funny because i was supposedly taught to "STRONGLY DISLIKE". But i guess that didn't turn out too well.
I just wish the holidays were different. i wish i liked them. i wish i actually liked vacation. i wish i actually liked having time off from school.


but i dont.

expect the unexpected..

so today was one of my awful family parties.. the kind your mom never tells you about and then all of the sudden she gives you an hours advance to let you know that you HAVE to go. those kind. well today was my cousin Ashley's party and it certainly was interesting...

what i didn't expect:

my cousin Morgan do an impersonation of a stripper, sally o'malley from SNL:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=21062075
really, watch it.

finding out she performed that same act in a hotel lobby infront of complete strangers because she was bored..


my family and i gathered around a computer and watched Stewart from MADTV

watching everyone basically throw up from my grandmas famous meatballs which turned out to be disgusting today... and then watching my mom heavily enjoy them...


finding out my cousin Colby only gets facial hair on the bottom of chin and in the area above his lip but puts shaving cream all around his face..
that's not what i was talking about when i said unexpected.
what's unexpected was my aunt's reply:
"Guys if you think thats funny i gotta tell you this. My two boys run around naked when they get out of the shower. Jameson walked out into his room and Bailey went over to him. 'PSSSTTT Jameson! You have hair on your SACK!!!' (Jameson spread out his legs... and says 'omg where!') "
My uncle Matt "Kelly what kind of show are you running around here"

anddd last but not least, watching Ashley (who is 16) be unsuccessful with blowing out the candles. and they werent trick ones either.


P.S. please don't tell anyone from my family you know about my cousins puberty or nakedness... he will probably be so ashamed when he gets older

where's miss positvity?

i guess i have kinda forgot about the purpose of this blog.. although it's a nice retreat for my current suffering im sure you ppl (my audience of a few stuffed animals and oh theres a fly!...) don't want to just here about life's disappointments.. especially mine.
so I apologize for my actions, and deeply beg of your sympathy..

on that note i am stating my retirement from this blog til i can actually come of with something of not utter depression?
feel free to view the earlier times (aka like 2 weeks ago haha) if you want any amusement. otherwise, im quite sorry you have wasted your time.

until we meet again.

P.S. it's extremely annoying hearing every fricken side conversation about Twilight. SHUT THE HELL UP. thank you.

I remember

I remember her anger.
dangling me over Hell.
Her rules, Her torture, Her insanity.

I remember my pain.
Slowly deteriorating my existence.
my crying.
Her enragement, Her force.

I remember the fall leaves encompassing the road.
childhood bickering stirring Her anger.
Her ruthlessness, abusive, anger.
the screams. Her piercing hand striking her victims.
the cries for help.

no one answers

You stupid worthless son of a bitch
You laundry girl
You piece of shit
Go to Hell

I remember the tyrant who controls my body.
the bruises that will never heal.

and no one answers

I remember it all.

Sonny

I wrote this poem sometime last year. And I really didn't understand where it came from. Afterall, it's very clear I haven't birthed any children.. (yet)... i think it was meant to have a double standard, in that sun=son as well... til i realized that my bird Sonny was the one i was was writing about all along.

Sonny, i watched you die in front of me for the last few months of your life. You told me you were dying. I wasn't allowed to take you to the vet and save you. I'm sorry I didn't get to save you the way you saved me. I held you in my arms the entire night of your last few breaths. I fell asleep with you cradled next to me and watched you bleed eternally. I heard you crying from the suffering. All you wanted was some help. I saw the pain in your eyes and the lament in my own. I cried and cried and cried. And then i had to tell you that it would be okay if you had to go. And you went. I went to sleep with my baby boy and woke up with an angel. I wish you were still here with me bud. I need you more than ever. Your sister isn't allowed to live with us anymore. I lost all my children. I lost my best friends. And i lost the pal that would sit on my shoulder and lean over and give me a nice big kiss. I miss how you pecked my tears away. Ever since you left things went completely downhill. I'm losing myself and hope. I don't blame you Sonny. We both know, and God knows whom is to blame. Stay with me Sonny. Rescue Cas-girl and rescue me. Please.


My son

watching over the son
that brightens up my day,
the rays of hope
that twinkle in his eyes.

you warm my head, my hands, my heart.
and as the world is torn apart-
you remain the same;
unaltered, unchanged.

i watch my son rise every morning,
and watch his twinkling eyes slowly dim at night.
Oh, how i wish his presence was permanent;
that for once he doesn't leave sight.

you travel over the valleys;
your love colors the sea.
my heart gazes up to you, my son and sees
you watching over me.

really into english?

so we write blogs for our english class. we get questions and write comments. it's fun and very interesting. i really liked the question for one of the posted entries soo im putting it on here.. If you would also like to respond (even though you really can't unless you read the Canterbury Tales-in modern english ofcourse. otherwise you'll be one of those weird girls that has to carry a translation dictionary with them hahah)then you can write who you would want to be.. or you can just comment cuz thats cool too.. or you can do nothing like most people do. (no one reads my blog anywaysss)

here's the post:
Nevill Coghill argues that Chaucer's General Prologue "is the concise portrait of an entire nation, high and low, old and young, male and female, lay and clerical , learned and ignorant, rogue and righteous, land and sea, town and country, but without extremes." He continues that "apart from the stunning clarity...of the characters presented, the most noticeable thing about them is their normality." Of all of his characters presented -- from the Prioress to the Wife of Bath, from the Merchant to the Parson, from the Knight to the Miller -- which character do you most relate to? Explain why this character is the truest to your own humanity.




here's what i posted:
You know what? I'm not going to sit here and tell you why i'm such a good person and how i am so open-minded and try to be good and I'm a true catholic and blah blah blah blah blah. no offense, but who wants to read that? yeah i do try to BE all those things, but come on really... Those characteristics don't make me the person i am. I can't be catorgized. I'm not wallpaper.

Our group is doing the Pardoner and the story is very intense. It really put things into perpective for me. And that's why i think i am most like the Pardoner.

Quick question: have any of you ever felt like you were completely alone in some belief and then out of the blue you read something and your heart races and you start getting all excited and you're like "THATS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK!"
its like you know him or something.

well thats what happened with me when i read the Prologue... now im being totally serious when i say this so dont laugh.. (well you can cuz i cant see you..) but i AM that one person that's going to grow up and go their entire life without drinking. I am that one person that will be at church (under most circumstances) every sunday. Those are two things i can promise you. and those are two of his focal points. I could pick one of the depressed characters and go on an on how my life is really difficult compared to most people, but why depress you? that's not accomplishing anything.

Having faith in God and how drinking kills. yeah sure he focuses on gambling too but i cant really talk about that (we all know im such a gamblahoic.. lol).
I didn't always have faith in God, and yeah sometimes i question Him, but that's what happens when you seem like you're falling off the edge of the earth. that's what happens when you are lonely. but i learned you aren't. (sorry for going all Catholic) With faith you are never alone. and i did learn that. and that's why i sing in the choir (the Pardoner also sang, aka connection), and that's why ill walk to church and sit in the pew all by myself. that's where i find my hope.

gambling, greed, and yes wine kill the members in our tale. wine. beer. it's all alcohol. The Pardoner even quotes this person Senaca who says there is "no difference b/w a man who is out of his mind and one who is drunk, except that madness, occuring in an ill-natured man, lasts longer than drunkenness does". It's right there people! Now I'm not going to spill my guts out to you and tell you my reasons, but you can trust me that i won't ever do it. and if you really want to know why then ask but be prepared for a novel..

i cant promise that ill always be an optimist. nor maintain good etiquete. nor excellent. nor truthful. nor anything for that matter. my humanity can't be based on simple descriptions. you don't know me if i tell you i'm happy just like you don't know if a car works if it says "really works" in the window. My humanity is based on belief. it's based upon passion. it's based on faith. it is based on me, Katie D.

not so funny?

i watched finding nemo last night. and i really like that movie lol. it kinda relates to my "theme" tonight: appreaciating the little things. that movie is really adorable. my favorite quotes are...

the ever so popular "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

a casual "mine. mine. mine. mine"

a humourous "no eating here tonight! You on a diet!"

and dori's adorable line "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy."

along with some others.. but anyways i really think that movie shows us something. we really don't appreciate what we have. now me on the otherhand, i honestly appreciate hugs than dollars, and a handmade bracelete instead of an expensive silver one. I don't have the best living situation, so "stupid" little pictures with friends actually mean the world to me. they really do. i really don't like how the world is going. i hope Obama can fix it. well actually i hope i can fix it. i really want to "pay it forward" (thats a great movie. please watch it). that's my dream. if people hear my story one day i hope i can change people for the better. Diversity day at my school is this friday and i am one of the selected to lead the program, and i just want to help stop the drama and bitterness (that's really apparent in high school). I do believe i am mature for my age and have really strong opinions. im not afraid to call someone out and tell them not to say the "r" word and im even starting to work on the "gay" word as well. it really does work if you try. you can ask my friends lol. i hope you guys believe in me. i really have a strong heart towards animals and genuinely good people. I know my dreams are big, but they are mine. mine. mine. mine. and they will stay. :)

also. that fish that dori and marlin find that has that light on its head is really scary. a person and i were curious to know if that fish actually exists and well a picture was discovered.

the movie:

real life...


yeah. gross.


also. i really like him :)



thats all folks... just keep swimming?

halloween: its really scary

i think Halloween has changed so much over the years. this year, i got no candy. and yes i DID go trick or treating. Don't be jealous.. you didn't miss out. Besides the wonderful company i had, i probably got maybe 25 pieces of candy... in over an hour of partaking in this activity. And ppl are so rude these days. They stand outside on their stupid porches talking on their stupid phones are shitting and calling people condoms. im not joking. true stuff. Also, what's with ppl hanging up stupid ass signs saying they don't have candy. not that they ran out, but they don't even HAVE any. That's serious bull. ALSO, some of the other signs i saw were ri-dick-a-lous. I would have taken pictures if i remembered my camera. There was one that said "My baby is sleeping. SHH" and there was another one that said "Say Happy Birthday to Grandma, she's 102!". i dont care if it's your birthday. give me some fricken candy. lol im just kidding i'm not against having a birthday on halloween, her mother must have had a really nice "TREAT" haha. anywho i am against when ppl who say they are 102 only look about 80. yeah, that was obnoxious. whatever, their family looked a little white trash anyways. Also, ppl should leave their lights on later, and not turn them off the second you come into view. Also, i realized this year that kids this year are extra greedy (could be because of the annually reduction of candy this year) but i saw kids go in a big line and try to pretend like they hadn't gotten candy yet. Also, doing the whole "look over there" speech and then sneaking an extra handful. not very cool. kids are not supposed to learn that yet. but yeah i wasnt very pleased with the selection either. I got 2 skittles and maybe 5 reeses. thats an all-time low. there was a boost in those dumb fricken butterfingers that are soooo disgusting. i dont know why all those ppl went shopping together and decided they would make children suffer this year. very rude if you ask me. the spirit has changed about halloween over the years. i remember getting the KING size bars and now i get mini bars. ppl just dont care anymore. pretty soon the holiday will only be for each family and they will just email a picture of their favorite candy or perhaps be even more generous and mail actual food. It will be like christmas or something. booo. haha. no pun intended. anyways. thats it. i just think halloween sucks now. nobody decorates and it might be a waste of time. next year im buying my own candy, putting it in a pillow case, and fill my tum with accomplishment! yeah thats it.

I've been thinking..

I really want a broken leg, or maybe an arm if both my legs get chopped off in a freak accident. Perhaps by a lawn mower that i lay my body infront of because plants release a chemical toxin that makes us kill ourselves. Perhaps i was partyly killing myself at 9:26 and then when the plants decided not to kill us anymore at 9:27, i was midway under the mower and so i became paralyzed. (If you are very confused which i hope you are because that reasoning was entirely stupid, watch "The Happening". It's effing hilarious. He talks to a plastic plant. And when he realizes that it's plastice he continues by saying "I'm still doing it". That movie was very entertaining. It kinda ended weird. I mean it's expected because M. Night Shyamalan was also the director of Cloverfield. The message is something along the lines that we kill the world so one day the world is going to kill us. It showed how stupid we were too. People killed themselves in the weirdest ways. There's that guy with the lawnmower, the casual shooting of a gun, jumping of building, smashing heads through windows, and the ever-so-strange putting a chopstick through your neck. But i really liked it. lol. That Saturday night we also watched Beowulf. (haha i put that so my english teacher would be proud).

wow i think i wrote this blog to talk about my desire for broken body parts. now that's a rather large tangent. so anyways i dont really want a broken bone(s) i just really really really want a cast. like i want to fake an injury or maybe even make myself have an injury so i can wear a cast. they are just the coolest things everrrrrrrrr. i know im five. but i really want to pick the really cool color and then have all my friends sign it and be a walking john hancock. i'm THAT enthusiastic about it... and ALSO you don't have to do anything because you have an excuse! you could be like "nope i couldn't do my homework cuz i couldnt get up the stairs". i bet nobody has thought of that one before. i remember i was sooo jealous when this girl fell off the monkeybars in elementary school and she got a cast on her arm. for the next week i tried falling off them but i just got dirt on me. i'm really not kidding. I just want a fricken cast! you are most likely laughing at me know but i'll be the one laughing when i do get that cast someday and YOU can't sign it. HAH!

okayyyy... maybe i'll let you. but you'll sign on the bottom where no one will see. :)

Attention Fatties!

Ever tell yourself you would do something and didn't end up fullfilling it? I'm there. Yesterday my brother called me fat because i had consumed Black Raspberry ice cream, chips, yogurt- innn twenty minutes? lol okay i was a fatty. but i was sad. you know how it is..
So anyways i said to myself "Okay no more eating. You are going to starve for the next few days and see how long you hold out... Right after you finish those sour cream & onion chips." haha. im serious. So today started off well. I hadn't eaten dinner last night from being in a fit of rage, so i knew i had to atleast put something in my stomach- and that was a yogurt. i really like Yoplait; maybe cuz i can say "Yo" orrr it might be because that's what my mom buys. Sooo i ate that and decided that i could make it through those tempting snack periods (aka periods 2 and 3) and lunch if i just kept chewing gum.
Did i tell you it didn't work? 3 pieces of gum before my lunch! and a tired jaw.. That's when my friend offered me some goldfish, and well, i couldn't turn them down (:P) I was sooooo hungry. But i only took like 10 cuz they werent mine. [And it's not like they stayed in me anyways- we pushed our teachers car around the school today (im not kidding..)]
"I can make it for the rest of the day now. phew!"
LIES! all lies. my stomach was growling uncontrollably. i don't know if it was just hungry or sickened by our "SEX" conversation in English. i did find out on the way home from school when i had the worst headache from knawing on mint the whole day.
So far the list is: yogurt (of the strawberry sort), gum, goldfish.
When i got home i opened the cabinet full of treasure and closed it. Opened it. Closed it. 4 times. I even walked into the living room and back to the kitchen to open it again. But i made it to my room. I had fought off the temptations of fattiness! Until i started writing this blog. Maybeee the cravings were just too much and i grabbed some saltines. But atleast i didn't go for the ice cream. :)